What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 25.06.2025 07:49
One cannot live in the past .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
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I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Would this be the day?
Why did i forgive my father ?
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BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
But it wasn’t much.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
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He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
She wouldn,t have been !
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
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I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
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Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She found it foreign!.
Put me off passion for life!!
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I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I did it because my mum asked me too!
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He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
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She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
But ive been too sick for many years..
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Who then, do I blame.?
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I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
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I write beautiful poetry .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
We all went to grammer schools
I don,t even have a pension.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I think the readers, may guess!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
We were not on the streets..
She loved him until the end.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
He knew the spot.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
It was going to be , some day.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
(And it was in our own minds.)
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
So, i spoilt her more .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I will be 64.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I could never make a relationship work though!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I was scared of men, in general
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I waited trembling.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I was very sick at this time too.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I have no regrets .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He resisted the act ,that day.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
She married twice! .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I was 9 years of age.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
When she asked me how she looked .
What did i know ?
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
This is soul school!.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
So whats the point in blame.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
She was in good health!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
My life is so biszare .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I never cut or harmed myself..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I said to her
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Comes on , in middle age.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Ive learnt so much.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
And i lived it daily.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Especially a lifetime of it.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I was seconnd youngest,
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
All the time i was locked up.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Im still living with it.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
My family never makes their pension either.
But, we were locked up after school.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Was to survive, this bastard.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.